Stumble in the darkness

Time flies by, drugged out , in pain, every day… it all just feels like one and the same (like groundhog day). Each day bleeds into another. A day, a week, month. Every morning a hailstorm of pain. Billy Talent. I’m rusted from the rain …it challenges me mentally/emotionally and pushes me to the brink. Questioning everything, my resolve, my ability to move forward, to get out of bed, from the second I wake up, I am physically spent. Did I sleep? With sleeping pills it’s never sweet dreams. You’re just out, in the black. Facts …

I wake up, grit my teeth, groan and scream…as I feel every muscle in my body drained dry, clench and retract, like a rear-naked choke, this disease has taken my back. Literally/figuratively /metaphorically creaking and cracking, refracting, pulling away from healthy/healing/resilient, I hear her tell me not to quit, that I’m a fucking warrior, her best friend, her tears wake me, shake me from my nightmare.. I have no choice but to push on. Find a way to not give in and break. Even if their is no relenting, no escape.. ”It’s not over until I win”, Zig Ziglar, a great man once said..so many mantras repeat in my head. Every second feels like an eternity, trying to find stable ground beneath me. Coming up empty. This search, In my bed, I battle to stay whole. To not let the darkness sarcoidosis steal my soul. I pull myself up, by the sheets of my bed, my own Mount Everest, deep breaths, heavy chest. Lungs don’t work the way they should, I stumble in the darkness, I reach for the wall, I’m not quite stable but I refuse to fall. Throw the water on ice cold, bring myself under. Tell myself “he who hesitates is lost”. No time to ponder…can’t let the egoic mind slide a sliver in…

It’s time to get a win. Deep breaths in and out. Confine myself to the present. Let the negative out. Hermetic affect. Shock my system. No playing the victim. Off to the chiro. Readjust my frame. More pain. But this time in a good way. Grab some groceries, make some food. The process of forward motion helps my mood. Time to be disciplined, change the dial on the matrix/rabbit hole tube. Yoga stretch. Deep breaths. A whole day has gone by… mental unrest.